JORGE RODRIGUES SIMAO

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Stephen Colbert - Excerpt from I Am America (And So Can You)

Stephen Colbert, in his 2007 bestseller I Am America (And So Can You) the words same-named comedic caricature, a parody of pompous and self-important conservative television pundits.

He went on to add: “The bleeding hearts that came up with affirmative action back in the 1960s could have used my advice. They felt bad about the racial injustices of the past, so they decided to make it a crazy law that gave minority’s preferential treatment when it comes to the choicest jobs, scholarships, and roster spots on NBA teams.”

Never hire a cleaning lady named Dusty.

Never keep up with the Joneses.

Drag them down to your level; it’s cheaper.

Quentin Crisp, from his memoir The Naked Civil Sevant (1968). For more than thirty years, Crisp was one of England’s great raconteurs and wits. He was also one of the most flamboyant members of London’s gay community, once tweaking a famous Virginia Woolf line to observe, “I am one of the stately homos of England.” He moved to New York City in 1981 and quickly captured the hearts of New Yorkers (Sting’s 1988 song “Englishman in New York” was inspired by him).

He also wrote:

Never sweep. After four years the dirt gets no worse.

Never get into a narrow double bed with a wide single man.

Never argue with a doctor; he has inside information.

Bob Elliott, from a “Bob and Ray” sketch with Ray Goulding.

Never be afraid to laugh at yourself; after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.

Dame Edna Everage (Barry Humphries).

Among Real Men, there has always been one simple rule:

Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flamethrower.

Bruce Feirstein

This appeared in Real Men Don’t Eat Quiche, a 1982 satire that sold over a million and a half copies and was on the New York Times bestseller list for fifty-three weeks.

Never perish a good thought.

Malcolm Forbes, playing off the saying “Perish the thought”

Never try to tell everything you know. It may take too short a time.

Norman Ford

Never ask of money spent

Where the spender thinks it went.

Nobody was ever meant

To remember or invent

What he did with every cent.

Robert Frost, in “The Hardship of Accounting” (1936).

One doesn’t typically think of Frost’s poetry as witty and whimsical, but if someone ever exclaims, “Where has all the money gone?” you could do a lot worse than quoting this little verse in your defense.

The poem first appeared in his 1936 book A Further Range. Another famous poet with a sense of humor was T. S. Eliot. He once said:

Never commit yourself to a cheese without having first examined it.

Never eat anything that comes when you call.

Bobcat Goldthwait

Never read by candlelight anything smaller than the ace of clubs.

Sir Henry Halford

Never take an old guy to a place like Hooters.

Cathy Hamilton, in Over-the-Hillisms:

What They Say & What They Really Mean (2004)

Hamilton explained: “After one beer, old guys tend to ignore their inner censors and actually verbalize out loud the thoughts going through their heads.” So, what exactly is an old guy likely to say? According to Hamilton, things like “Va-va-va-voom!”

Never start a project until you’ve picked out someone to blame.

20.05.2013